At Safeway

Last Monday I took part in a Corwin Webinar with my favorite TCRWP Staff Developer, Colleen Cruz. She was sharing info about her new books on reading and writing reciprocity. During the webinar, Colleen asked us to write for 1 minute, a small moment. I had just been at the grocery store so I wrote this:

     She takes another tiem out of her bag. The customer in front of me but behind her sighs and squeezes back past me to leave this line and move to another.
“What’s it now?” she asks.
“You need $4.06,” the cashier announces.
     “Let me help,”  I announce.

Looking back at this, I think not bad for 1 minute of writing. But today, I have a few minutes, so I return to it to try to elaborate. My goal is to include action and emotion.

I’m in line because yesterday while doing the weekly grocery shopping, I forgot to get the orange juice and the taco shells. I even had a list yesterday but I somehow I forgot these two items. One for tonights dinner and the other for breakfast all week long. And now I am third in line at Safeway.

As I place my 2 items on the conveyer belt, I begin to notice the customer at the front of the line. She takes another item out of her bag and hands it back to the cashier. He scans and punches buttons on the register. The customer in front of me but behind her lets out a loud sigh and apruptly squeezes back past me to leave this line and move to another.

“What’s it now?” she asks.

“You need $4.06,” the cashier announces.

I take a step fowards and announce, “Let me help. How much do you need?”

The cashier repeats, “$4.06.”

“What’s it with that item, too?” I ask motioning to the box of popsicles he had just deducted from her bill.

He scans the box and $10.42 appears on the electronic screen. I insert my credit card.

“Thank you,” she says to me. “How can I repay you?”

“Just help someone one day soon. We all need to help each other out,” I tell her.

** These 2 exercises were fun. I enjoyed seeing what I could write in a minute. Then enjoyed stretching it out. My goal was to add action and emotion. Do you think I reached this goal??

 

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3 thoughts on “At Safeway

  1. Ms Victor Reads says:

    You definitely achieved your revision goal (and showed again how kind you are- paying it forward is the best!). I listened to the last part if the webinar when I got to school that day and must go back and listen to it all. Thanks for the reminder!

    Like

  2. marilynyung says:

    I love the revision. All I might add would be some narration after your “she says” or “I say” tags. A detail about her… earrings? tattoos? Updo? Tanned? Pale white? This was an interesting exercise, I agree!

    Like

  3. franmcveigh says:

    Love your revision! My goal is always to make sure that the reader has to do some work. That keeps me from “over telling” or selling my story!!

    Loved that webinar. So helpful!

    Like

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